Simchas toira

There is something to be said for a holiday whose name begins with "happiness." I danced my calves sore and sang my vocal chords dry and absorbed and emitted ruach. I was surrounded by people of two communities: one that I have left, and one that I hope to join. I suppose it was an appropriate environment for a holiday when we close on chapter and open with another. I felt my whole body smiling as I experienced (and witnessed others experience) such simple yet layered joy. The chagim have forced me to think about my core values. I know that I am egalitarian through and through. While I can appreciate a community of women within the broader Jewish community, being entirely separated from the rest of the community is distracting, bothersome, and demeaning. I still daven in synagogues with mechitzas and I still feel connected to the Jews in those synagogues, but this is not the community where I am fully accepted. I can lead services, read Torah, and fully engage in a Jewish community. And I want to. I can still experience other shuls for the experience and for personal exploration, but I think it's ok if I find a community that is comfortable for me in a country where nothing is necessarily comfortable.