A constructive crisis

This week, I had a conversation that has put me back at the beginning of a religious and spiritual journey that I began many years ago. A discussion with a feminist, non-egalitarian Jew just isn't so common for me.
This conversation blew my mind because it forced to me examine my core values. I know that I am a feminist, egalitarian, an observant Jew, and a humanist. Reconciling conflicts between ideals is incredibly difficult because these conflicts manifest themselves in my daily life. Do I want to pray everyday? I feel a sense of religious obligation, but how do I observe this in a meaningful way? The discussion earlier this week made me feel that I need to make a conscious decision to live based on a solid, core belief.
Judaism and its traditions are INCREDIBLY important to me, but when they conflict with values that I hold just as close (ie egalitarianism) I feel that I can’t change my secular values to fit a lifestyle that was constructed by human beings centuries ago. I believe that I don't need to.
Earlier this year, I decided that the existence of G-d or one Truth is irrelevant and that my life is all about my community and what I perceive as righteous and good, and for me, that is Judaism. Be’emet, lo tov hayot adam lvado. Davening in a crowded synagogue is so much more meaningful to me than davening by myself in a cold (literally and spiritually) room in my apartment.
The only time I start to question this stance is when I read things by Heschel, or Kook, or Soleveitchik and I realize how much I identify with this longing to be a part of G-d. We read this passage by Rav Kook (called “The Need for Prayer”) in class yesterday: “All beings long for the very source of their origin. Every plant, every grain of sand, every lump of earth, small creatures and big ones, the heavens above and the angels, every substance together with its particles—all of them are longing, yearning, panting to attain the state of holy perfection. Man suffers all the time from this homesickness of the soul and it is in prayer that he cures it. When praying, man feels at one with the whole creation and he raises it to the very source of blessing and life.” Maybe its just that I am so touched by such beautiful images and language, but there is a part of me that identifies with this feeling, especially now that I live every day now in a very Jewish context (Hebrew, studying Tanach…etc.)

On that note, shavua tov.